Well, You Never Asked

Have you ever heard a friend say those words?

You're talking in a group of friends and your well known friend says something you've never heard before. Your response is something along the lines of, "You didn't tell me that?!" or "I didn't know that about you." Their response? "You never asked."

For the last few months, I've been having a kick of curiosity. I want to know as much as I can about the person I'm talking to so I'll basically go into the mode of wanting to ask one question to get all my answers. The questions is usually, "So tell me everything about yourself." After asking that question I expect them to just rattle off everything about them that I would ever need or want to know.

Now if you're on the receiving end of that question, I'm sorry. I can only imagine how much I freak people out when I ask that question. Not only does it give a new friendship no room for growth and discovery, but it is also asking someone you barely know to trust you with every part of your life. Ridiculous.

Relationships require a lot of trust and a good amount of time to make great. Curiosity in relationships is also great, but we have to gentle with the way we go about it.

The dictionary definition of curiosity is, "A strong desire to know or learn something." Now when I ask that question, "Tell me everything about yourself, " I do genuinely do it out of a place of curiosity. I have a strong desire to know what makes the other person I'm talking to unique and what makes them a treasure in the kingdom of God, but in reality, that question gives no room for growth and pretty much says, "Tell me everything so we don't have to hang out multiple times and grow our relationship."

It is so tempting to have an agenda when we're curious. Either we ask a single question hoping to get all our answers or we know what answer we want so we ask all the questions we need to to get there.

This way of thinking opens up the agenda approach of getting to know someone. The agenda approach is basically if we took a piece of paper and wrote out a list of questions we want to know about the person then took it to our next conversation. After we get the answer to number one, we cross it off then move on to the next. This honestly sounds great to me because I have a task-oriented brain. I love making lists and I love the feeling of accomplishment when I get to check off the box that I've completed that task. Although this is a great brain to have, it forces me to remember that the people I'm talking to aren't lists. They don't get checked off and thrown away once I've learned something about them. The fact is, people are constantly changing so the same question asked five years later could have a completely different answer.

Curiosity comes from the Latin root cura (care) or curiosus (careful). This means we are to be careful or to take care when we ask questions. It's not supposed to be a place for agenda where all we care about is what answer we want to receive.

Being curious is about wanting to know something like where that dirt road leads or what makes someone's life so perfect. When we open our curiosity up to it's true definition and genuinely want to know more about a person, then it doesn't become a set goal. The only goal is wanting to know more about them. How do we make a person feel safe and wanted when all we do is ask questions to get us to where we think the conversation should go?

I've recently found an eye-opening piece of information. The use of the word curios was at about .007% in 1800, in 1992, it was at about .0015%. Now I think it's safe to say that if the use of the word declined that much, then the action must've done the same. Curiosity has lowered which is weird to think about when in 1800 they weren't even close to figuring out smartphones and technology. There are many different areas to be curious: new inventions, exploration, the future, and the past, but what about people? We've learned to become less curious because we've learned to become more concerned. More concerned with ourselves.

Sometimes there are specific things we want to know about a person and that's okay, but when we say we'd like to get to know someone better, let's do so with open minds and open hearts. Erase the agenda and let the conversation run on it's own. Who knows, maybe they will end up asking you questions and being curious about your life. Learn to be genuinely curious about what makes that person special and so loved by God.

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Be Still and Know